Glamour magazine article, 9/22/2015
Dear Emily,
I’ve never had an orgasm with my partner.
When I masturbate on my own, I can have multiple orgasms solely from touching my clitoris, but I really want to be able to climax from sex, and it isn’t happening. Don’t get me wrong—sex feels good for me, and my boyfriend tries really hard to pleasure me. We do lots of foreplay beforehand, he performs oral sex on me often, and we’ve tried toys. I’m just worried that my vagina isn’t sensitive enough to actually get me there. Is this normal?
Let me make one thing clear: There’s nothing wrong with you or your body if you don’t have orgasms from sex alone (or simply have trouble with it). In fact, you’re like most women on the planet!
But here’s the good news: It’s not impossible. And you’re on the right track—experimenting with your body during solo sessions, doubling up on foreplay, and pulling in some extra help from toys are all great steps, and all things I recommend to everyone. It certainly helps to have a partner who’s more than willing to put in the effort too! There isstill one more thing you probably haven’t tried (or forgot about) that could be considered the holy orgasm grail for many women: Kegel exercises.
Kegel exercises strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which can help you have better sex and more intense orgasms. And if “intense orgasms” wasn’t enough to sway you, don’t let the word exercise turn you off: You can practice your Kegels anywhere, and they’re so easy to do that you can knock them out in five minutes a day.
How to do it: Start by instinctively squeezing the muscles you’d use to stop the flow of urine. Got ’em? Great. Now hold them in (squeeeeze!) for 10 seconds, and then relax for 10 seconds. Build up to five sets of 10 squeezes. As you get more advanced, there are several variations and speeds to try (and I can get to that another day!), but the most important part is just sticking with them.
Here’s how this magical exercise translate into better sex: The muscles that you’re strengthening, also known as the “pc” (pubococcygeus) muscles, are the same ones that contract during an orgasm. If you strengthen and tone them with regular workouts, it will amplify those sensations and make it easier to reach climax during sex.
Having strong pelvic floor muscles will also make your vagina feel tighter, potentially making your orgasm much more intense. So, you know, bonus!
One of the hardest parts of keeping up with your Kegels is knowing how to do them RIGHT. Luckily, there’s now a new addition to your goodie drawer that actually does you Kegels for you, and can give you orgasms in the process! The Intensity by Pour Moi is an innovative “sexual wellness meets sex toy” product that is a total pelvic floor game-changer. It takes al the effort out of Kegels, leaving nothing but the benefits!
After a few weeks of dedicated Kegel exercises, that vaginal orgasm should come at last. If not, you’ll still have increased sensitivity, heightened orgasms (yes, even clitoral ones) and a healthy pelvic floor.
XO,
Emily
Emily Morse is a sexologist, host of the Sex With Emily podcast, and co-founder of the intimate care line Emily & Tony. She has a doctorate in human sexuality and is the author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight and a weekly co-host of the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline With Dr. Drew Pinsky.
